There are two parts I must play before I die. The first one is granny from “The Beverly
Hillbillies” and the other one is Dolly Levi.
I know you don’t know who Dolly Levi is. I had to look it up too, but
only because I watched “Hello Dolly” when I was so young, I’d completely forgotten
that the main character’s name was actually Dolly. All I remember is walking around the house
when I was about nine, saying, “Well hello there Mr. Vandergelder,” to my
sister and parents.
The reason I need to play Granny is because I’m so good at
it, I need the whole world to see it. It
just springs right out of me. Like Jesse
could be sitting in a chair and I’ll just run over to him with a frying pan in my
hand and start in on him. He doesn’t like when I call him Jethro, but he
understands. Now that Dan is back in New York for two weeks, I’m going to
devote all of my free time to my costume and makeup and put together a little
show. As soon as I post it on YouTube, I’ll
let you know.
The reason I must play Dolly runs much deeper. It’s because
I feel I am an excellent matchmaker. I
haven’t actually made any real matches, but I know, deep down, it’s my calling. As soon as I talk to an unmarried person, the
whole time I’m thinking, “Who could I get for this guy?” Even if it’s just a person asking me for
directions, I’m already hard at work. So
here’s what I’ve decided to do. If you’re single, I’m going to find you someone. A lot of you write to me about your careers
and how you want to be writers and all of that.
And that’s fine. I will continue
to do whatever I can to help in that area, but I’d much rather get involved in
finding my readers suitable husbands. Of
course I would only sell you a husband that I would marry myself, so rest
assured you’re in very good hands.
I haven’t really thought this through, but I’m thinking of
starting a whole other website called:
Dolly’s Husband Store.
Right now I have two husbands for sale. One is a handsome doctor who lives in
Westchester in a very cool apartment with a beautiful view of the Hudson River. He’s very athletic (wind-surfing, soccer,
skiing), and funny, and he likes to cook.
He’s in his late forties. He’s
very cute this one. I promise.
The other husband is perhaps a little too wealthy, and he
might have a drug problem, but he was quite famous for a while on Wall Street
and he now lives in Florida, right near me. He’s not really a friend of mine,
but I’m very friendly with his sister and she’s amazing. The only thing I really know about his looks
is that his hair is very black.
Strikingly so. Oh, and he’s Jewish. So is the doctor, by the way.
So. . . there you go.
I realize two husbands aren’t really enough to open a whole husband
store, but it’s a start and I’m currently taking applications from husbands all
over America and France. All of my husbands are free, of course. I’m just
calling it a store because it involves shopping.