Don't Be Afraid To Ask Courtney!

Do you have a personal question or problem that you are just too embarrassed to ask anyone? Of course you do. We all do.

But you don’t have to suffer in silence anymore. You can ask our very own Mental Health Editor/Make Up Artist the most intimate questions imaginable and she’ll give you advice that’s guaranteed to turn your life around.

Question:
Dear Courtney,

Why do people think animal testing is wrong? I never got that.

Signed,
Curious, but not George

Answer:
Dear not,

That’s so funny because I wondered about that for so long too! But then I found out that you can’t really tell how a hair product is going to work on a human by testing it on animals because they don’t really have hair. So it’s sort of a waste of time. And also because I think they are mean to monkeys. But the important thing is that you weren’t afraid to ask. And always remember . . . I love you.

Forever yours,
Courtney

Question:
Dear Courtney,
What does it mean if you vagina closes up during sex?

Signed,
I can’t tell you my name

Answer:
Dear I,

Oh my God! That used to happen to me all the time. It’s psychological. I hope that helps. And always remember . . . I love you.

Forever yours,
Courtney

Question:
Dear Courtney,
Do you believe in abortion?

Signed,
Laura Jean Baker
P.S. I’m a pregnant, homeless heroine addict and I’ve just recently been arrested.
P.S.S. Also, I was raped.

Answer:
Dear LJB,
It would be hard for me to answer that because I don’t know you that well and each situation is different. But I recommend that you get some counseling. Are you in jail now or are you on your way to jail? Because I would be happy to talk to you in person, but only if you’re not actually in jail. I’m not really the type of person who visits people in jail. Jail creeps me out. But always remember . . . I love you.

Forever yours,
Courtney

Question:
Dear Courtney,
I’m dating this guy and he said he has dyslexia. Is that contagious?

Signed,
Abba

Answer:
Dear Aabb,
Not if you use a condom. And always remember . . . I love you.

Forever yours,
Courtney

Question:
Dear Courtney,
Do you think it would be totally weird if I wore a sweater on the plane?

Babe.red.e.4.u@aol.com

Answer:
Dear Ba,
Sort of, yes. I’m sorry but that’s how I feel. But always remember . . . I love you.

Forever yours,
Courtney

Question:
Dear Courtney, Stephanie or anyone else who will listen to me,
Last night my husband gave me beautiful diamond earrings for my birthday. They were sort of huge, I might add. I wanted to model them for him so I put them on with . . . um . . . nothing else. We both laughed when he said not to worry that they were sagging. But I didn't really think it was funny. I was just sort of laughing along with him. So my question is, do you think I should get my wholes repierced?

From,
Wholly Confused

Answer:
Dear Wholly,
First of all, you spelled wholly wrong but don't feel bad. I make spelling foe paws all the time. My answer to you is yes! You should have your wholes repearced if they're sagging and while you're under, why not get implants at the same time! Earrings look ten times better on girls with gigantic, upright breastes. What a way to say thank you to your husband for those earrings and give yourself a lift too! And always remember, I love you.

Forever yours,
Courtney

Question:
Dear Courtney,
Recently my boyfriend broke up with me and I was thinking that I might slit my wrists. Well, not really slit them, just sort of fake it like I was going to slit them. Do you think that will help us get back together?

Yours truly,
Sort of Suicidal

Answer:
Dear Sort of,
Hmmm, that’s a tough one, but no, my answer is no. It has been my experience that boys typically find suicide attempts to be a turn off. What boys really like is super silky, smooth legs. If you want to get your boyfriend back by using a razor, I suggest that you massage your legs with warm baby oil for at least two to three full minutes before shaving them.

You may have to use two or three blades because the oil and hair tend to ball up and dull the blade, but it is so worth it. Also, it’s important to try to get at least 8 hours of sleep every night, but stay away from those sleeping pills! Natural sleep is nature’s make-up. And always remember, I love you.

Forever yours,
Courtney

Question:
Dear Courtney,
I have a small cellulite dimple on my ass and my husband said it makes me look fat. Should I get a divorce?

Yours truly,
Dimples

Answer:
Dear Dimples,
Absolutely not! Get a divorce over a silly thing like that? Haven’t you heard of “ipecac?” I bet you haven’t. You can find it in almost any drug store. Just get yourself a bottle of that miracle syrup and watch the pounds melt away. In the meantime, why not get a little butterfly or a pretty pink rose tattooed right over that little dimple? It’s a lot cheaper than filing for divorce. You can trust me on that one! And always remember, I love you.

Forever yours,
Courtney

Question:
Dear Courtney,

I have two problems. The first one is that no matter how much I diet, I have a very thick neck. My second problem is that I only like guys who like my friends. If a guy likes me, I find it annoying but if a guy likes my best friend, I suddenly find him irresistible and I do everything I can to make him like me instead of her. Does that make me a bad friend?

Signed,
Competitive Bitch

Answer:
Dear Bitch,

Don’t be so hard on yourself! You’re not a bad friend. You’re just insecure. You measure your own self worth according to your best friend’s achievements in the boyfriend arena and that’s perfectly natural. Healthy, in fact. All competition is healthy and you know what they say, “Let the best girl win.” I mean, what feels better than knowing every guy in the world wants you. And it must be terrible having a fat neck. I sympathize with you completely. Here’s what I recommend. Liposuction! Liposuction of the neck area is very common and you would not believe how many girls write me letters thanking me for recommending this very important medical breakthrough procedure. Liposuction of the neck area will make you appear taller and smarter, according to recent surveys. I suggest you make an appointment right away so you can start to turn your best friend’s boyfriend’s head around! And always remember, I love you.

Forever yours,
Courtney

Question:
Dear Courtney,
Why is it that every time a guy likes me, my best friend starts sleeping with him?

Signed,
Betrayed

Answer:
Dear Be,
That’s the most horrible thing I’ve ever heard in my life! You call that a friend! In this case, I recommend Liposuction! But make sure you keep it a secret. Otherwise she’ll get it too. What a competitive bitch. And always remember, I love you.

Forever yours,
Courtney

P.S. Check in tomorrow to see my article on “Fun Ways To Trick People Into Thinking You Didn’t Have Plastic Surgery.”