So much for that whole girls against the boys thing. Hillary finally said, “uncle.” If only she’d have said it with a tad more feeling, we wouldn’t have looked like such a pitiful bunch of sore losers. Granted, only pageant losers can actually pull off looking like they’re happy for the winner, but most of us can at least fake it a little, especially if we know millions of people are watching. But not Hillary. It was impossible for her. She felt tortured on a whole other level. For her it was like saying, “After all those years of not being pretty or sexy or even a little slutty, while everyone was out partying and I was home studying and practicing my President of the United States speech, I was this close to finally saying, ‘HA!’ But instead all I get to say is ‘Oh great for you Barack.’”
I wanted her to win so badly I didn’t care that she was irritating me the whole time. I couldn’t admit to myself that she was not coming across as the woman I wanted so desperately to love and admire. I just kept imagining all this cool stuff I could say to Kim if she won, stuff about following her dreams and how miraculously far this country has come, despite the whole Bush setting us back 100 years debacle. But instead I told her, “See that? That’s what happens when we try. Don’t get your hopes up about anything.”
“Thanks, but I hardly feel the need to run for President,” she said, to cheer me up.
“Good, because I wouldn’t want you to embarrass the whole family,” I said, to make sure she didn’t change her mind.
And then it occurred to me that although it didn’t seem so at first, Vice President of the United States of America is a pretty good job too.
And then it really hit me. Hillary can still win. She just needs a show.
You know how Barack is black and cool and everything, and how Hillary's white and not? Think about it. Wouldn’t that make a cute sitcom? Hillary (a.k.a Vice President Lucy or V.P. Lucy) would play a loud mouthed, motherly, kind of bossy Florence Hendersony looking character in a pantsuit and shoes, and someone who looks like Barack, maybe Will Smith or someone, would play the cool, slick, handsome black President who’s always telling her to relax and take it easy, while she gets herself into all sorts of calamities because she’s always overreacting and putting her foot in her mouth. Kind of like Lucy and Ricky, if Ricky had been a gazillion times smarter and not as loud a singer. In the last scene of every show, Barack always gets V.P. Lucy out of another one of her pickles. Except, and here’s the clincher, it’s all an act. The whole time she’s pretending to get carried away with her crazy, mixed-up, mischievous schemes, she’s actually been getting things accomplished in Washington.
In every episode, Barack thinks he’s rescuing Lucy, but she always ends up winking at the camera at the end. Like for example in one episode Lucy wants healthcare for say, every American. But, she goes about it all wrong and ends up burning down a hospital or something while singing, “God Bless America!!!” to prove her point. And then Barack comes along and has to tell her to go to her room while he puts out the fire, builds a new hospital and makes friends with all the patients by smiling at them with his gigantic teeth. But then, at the end, you realize that even though Lucy’s been in a time-out, her health plan passed! And all because of an insane arson stunt.
Who wouldn’t love to tune in to see a cool black kid boss around a wise and tricky old white lady? The whole nation would be subliminally convinced that the real Hillary Clinton was actually the only one really getting anything done. The next thing you know, four years have gone by and the show’s been a hit for all four years and Hillary runs for President. It would be like if Rachel Green ran for something. Who wouldn’t vote for her?
So, there you go. It’s not over people. Not until Hillary sings.