Did I mention that my friend Andrea and I started this very famous diet together? I probably did. It’s all I talk about. I’m on the 1200 calorie plan, which sounds like a lot, right? Well, it’s not nearly a lot and I’m willing to bet my bottom dollar that Kirstie’s fat again. Anyone would want to get fat after being forced to eat tiny pieces of chocolate cake. I can’t wait to get fat again and I didn’t even get thin yet.
Tonight’s dinner was miniature lasagna. By the time it was ready, I was ravenous in a way that I haven’t been since my first pregnancy. The one that had me eating chicken parmesan heroes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, in the car, because I couldn’t make it home. I was half way into the lasagna when I heard someone fall down the stairs. It could have been anybody. I have two teenagers and a husband. I stood up with my arm hovering over my food the way smart kids cover their test answers. The fall didn’t sound serious, particularly since it was followed by all different types of laughs and a “Holy shit, did you just fall down the stairs?” by another unsympathetic family member.
I quickly took a bite of the lasagna and called out, “Are you hurt? I need to know right away.”
“Not too badly. I’m okay, I think.”
“Okay, good,” I mumbled with my mouth full.
I’m not proud of this story. Believe me.
I realize the average person would have put the little lasagna down and gotten up, but honestly it didn’t seem like a real emergency. And you have no right to judge me–until you’ve at least seen the itsy bitsy chocolate peanut butter bar. It’s the size of a coat button. In fact, when I first saw it, I asked, “Is that a button?”
That’s how mean Jenny is.
Anyway, all I feel like doing now is looking at the women in PEOPLE who lost half their body weight. Like Teresa Williams who used to weight 310. Now she can swing on a swing. And Mary Jane Sekito, who, for the first time in her life, can give herself a pedicure. I could read this sort of thing all day. The articles include plates and plates of food to show how the women used to eat, before they were able to use playground equipment. Cinnamon rolls, milk shakes, ribs and chicken, potatoes, chocolate cakes, donuts and tons of ice cream. It’s amazing. One woman was eating 10,000 calories a day. I truly love her. I sit there pretending to be inspired by the incredible weight loss stories, but really I’m just admiring the food.