Archives for February 2009

Another husband popped into my store!   This one is a real cowboy.  Seriously, he's a cowboy.  He lives in Texas and has a family ranch and everything. Can you even imagine such a thing?  Anyway, way back when I was in eighth grade my family went on the QEII for spring break and the whole ship was filled with teenagers.  And one of them was this guy.  And let me tell you, he was a real heartbreaker.  Turns out he never married! And his mom is just dyin' for grandchildren.  (Sorry, but I still can't turn off the granny accent. I think I might be stuck like this.)

I wanted to quit matchmakin', I really did, but then this hear Texan came along on facebook, and I just couldn't resist.  The only other thing I know about him is that he lived in Alcapulco for a bunch of years and that he's on some kind of tennis team that tours the whole darn country. Lucky for you, he'll be in Florida before you know it.  Then I can check him out real good.  In the meantime, if any of you live in them parts, let your ole' granny know and I'll see what I can do.  Ya hear?

 

I’m on Facebook now! 
Unfortunately I don’t know how to use it so I keep sending messages to
myself.  I might have to shut the thing
down before it becomes a huge source of embarrassment.

A lot of people take Pilates and learn how to strengthen their
core, how to maintain proper balance, how to breathe and how to improve their
posture.  Here’s what I learned:

The right side of my body is frighteningly strong.  It’s confident, athletic, flexible and hard
as a rock.   I guess you could say it’s
even a little conceited.

The left side of my body is a whimpering, weak, pathetic, insecure
freak with no friends.

Neither of these two sides of my body like each other, and
rightly so.  My goal as a Pilates student
is to teach the left side of my body that it needs to toughen up so it can kick
my ass (the right side I mean).  I haven’t
told my instructor this yet, but I’m planning to secretly stop using my right
side altogether and only work out my left. I believe this new way of training
will bring me an inner peace that I would have never been able to achieve with
traditional Pilates.  I will finally
learn to love the side of myself that constantly humiliates and sabotages
me.  I will become, for the first time in
my life, a whole human being. There’s also an excellent chance that I will fall
and hurt myself very badly. 

 

Scarlett Johansen has sex with the married guy she’s having
an affair with, in his office, when his wife walks in.  He tells Scarlett to hide in the closet and
then he proceeds to have sex with his wife. 
The poor guy was just trying to save his marriage, but it was very
awkward for everyone.

 There.  Now you saw the whole movie.  The rest of it was shown in the coming
attractions.  Seriously, it was like I’d
already seen the entire thing.  I was
actually saying Drew Barrymore’s words before they were even out of her mouth.  I felt cheated and used and tricked into
getting sucked in.  Which was sort of the
whole point of the movie, so I guess, in a way, it worked.  

There may have been more to it, but I was somewhat
distracted by the fact that I thought the girl who plays the biggest loser on the
entire planet (GiGi) was D.J. from Full House. 
Except with terrible hair.  I kept
saying, “I know that’s D.J!!!” throughout the entire movie, and Dan kept
saying, “Why are you yelling?  And “Can
we go?”

So that might be why I thought it was so awful. 

1) I may have accidentally watched gossip girl last night. But I'm proud to say that at least
    I missed the beginning.

2)  I'm fairly certain that my pizza and brownie diet isn't working.

I knew their marriage was doomed.
They couldn't answer even one of my standard couple compatibility questions correctly.
Ladies and Gentlemen, even if you don't hire me, at least have the sense to ask yourself these questions before jumping into a relationship:

1) Does he look childish in a bathing suit to you?
2) Does she prefer dinner guests who reside in an insane asylum?
3) Does he not notice when you're acting slightly peculiar during meals?
4) Does he come home smelling like a secretary every now and then, especially on his birthday or when he just got a promotion?

The fact that most of you know you can't answer "no" to the first one without lying is precisely why I became a professional. You can't just marry whoever/whomever you want without checking with me first. You could end up dead.

  For example,  you can't pretend someone is more interesting than he actually is simply because you like the way he looks and you're hoping you can make him more interesting by moving to a place where people aren't suburban drones . That's like eating a wax cupcake.  It backfires.  (Trust me.  As a child, I ate a whole wax apple pie.  Even after I knew it was wax, I kept at it.) And you can't pretend you're going to move to Paris if you know you're not really going to.  That really backfires!  These are the things I screen for.  Had Kate and Leo checked with me first, I could have prevented that whole bloody mess.